Things You Should Never Say to someone who has Suffered a Miscarriage

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If someone close to you has had a miscarriage, it's difficult to know what to say.  Knowing what NOT to say however, is equally as important.

1. At least you can get pregnant.

When the pregnancy results in a loss, this phrase does not provide comfort.    The words "at least" do not provide help whatsoever. 

2. It's good that it was only early on in your pregnancy.

Does it matter how late or early you miscarried?  Not to the parents of that baby it doesn't.  All their hopes and dreams shattered.   A miscarriage means a lost child, no matter when it occurs.  

3. It happened for a reason.

Also known as the "it was meant to be" platitude, this is a phrase that many people fall back on when they don't know what else to say.  But this is not helpful for a woman who has miscarried.   That elusive "reason" is what we/ they spend all of time trying to discover, and don't need a reminder of the ambiguity of it all.

4. You'll forget about it over time.

No, no, no !!!   And why should miscarriage and the loss have to be forgotten about?  It is part of someone's life. You wouldn't say to someone who has lost a parent for example - oh you will forget about them over time?!?!

5.  There must have been something wrong with it, so it's the best thing.

What are you a medical expert now?  And don't assume the parent wouldn't want a child with potential developmental challenges. Come on - think about it. 

6. Don't worry — I'm sure you'll get pregnant again right away.

But maybe not! Maybe it took a very long time to get pregnant with this baby.  Maybe that was the only chance. For many women, getting pregnant just isn't that simple.

7. Well you've got your other child/children.

This is not helpful either.  It insinuates that being a parent already should be 'enough'.  When the truth is, there could be an extra weight here, as now the other children will feel the loss too. 

IF SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU HAS HAD A MISCARRIAGE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME UP WITH PLATITUDES.  A HUG AND "I'M SORRY" GO A LONG WAY.