DEPRESSION AFTER MISCARRIAGE
Losing a baby is a life-changing experience to have to deal with. A trauma. All your dreams shattered. Many women FEEL ALONE and unable to communicate the emotional pain that they are having to deal with. Some manage to cope with what happened and move on with their lives. For others it stops them in their tracks and they don’t know how to move forward.
The factors below are common contributing causes for depression after infant loss. I also know how this feels as I have been through infant loss myself.
But here is the key – all of them can be worked through and YOU CAN MOVE ON, however hard it may seem at the time.
Many women blame themselves for losing their baby.
‘If only I had done things differently’. ‘I shouldn’t have kept trying’. ‘I’m just not good enough’.
These thoughts lead to guilt. SELF-BLAME and blaming others can lead to more guilt.
SUPPRESSED ANGER can turn into depression. Angry at your body, angry with the doctors, the nurses, angry at your partner. ANGRY AT THE WORLD!! Just angry that this happened! How come ‘they’ have managed to have a healthy baby, it’s just not fair!!!
Anger is sadness and grief turned inwards. A way of saying 'I need help'.
Anger leaks out to others - to those important people in our lives. And this in turn can add to the guilt.
It can feel like a never-ending cycle, ground-hog day.
3. UNEXPRESSED GRIEF
Keeping busy is a good way to avoid grief. Trying to ‘just get on with it’. Avoiding feelings.
Not facing feelings will lead to DEPRESSION AFTER MISCARRIAGE.
Hiding away from life. Not wanting to face anyone. Not feeling strong enough to return to work. You can also be in isolation in a room full of people wearing your ‘I’M OKAY’ mask.
Who wants to live in isolation? IT’S MISERABLE!! Trying to protect yourself from life.
Bingeing on FOOD OR ALCOHOL is another cause for depression after miscarriage. This is a way of escaping from the emptiness or sadness.
The feelings are just being stuffed down really. They don't go anywhere.
BUT I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THERE IS A WAY THROUGH.
I WOULD LOVE TO SAY THERE IS A WAY AROUND IT ALL, BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIE TO YOU .......................... THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL BETTER, IS TO GO 'THROUGH' THE FEELINGS YOU ARE TRYING TO AVOID!!!!!!
There is an answer to all the above, there really is. I can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away, but there are ways and there are tools.
Here is what is required just to start with - things you could try :-
1. Share what is going on for you. I know it's hard to share thoughts and feelings with those close to you because a) we don't want to 'burden' them, b) they won't understand, c) they will say the wrong thing and really piss me off etc. etc.
So if that doesn't work, speak to a professional. Yes I mean me!!! Or someone like me who specialises in counselling for infant loss!!! Tell them why you feel guilty, who you are angry with, why you are full of hate, shame, remorse, grief.
2. Sit with your feelings. Let them out. Scream, cry, shout, sob, go THROUGH it. Yes it is easier said than done. But go back to the 5 points above, which would you prefer?????? And then the feeling passes once you go through it!!!! You already know this anyway right? And you are sick of feeling. Full stop. I know - I get it. Get yourself happy one sob at a time.
3. Write stuff down. You don't need to show it to anyone. It's for you only. Thoughts on paper are better than keeping them in your head. Write. Write. Write. Right? Give it a go. You will get some relief.
4. Honour your baby in some way. Write your baby a letter. Plant a tree. Let off a lantern. Light a candle. Or do something that the whole family can join in with, a special day to remember and honour your child. A family fun day out.
5. Take time out for you. Nurture YOU. You are important, so bloody goddamn important. All the corny old stuff that people say does actually work y'know - a bubble bath with candles, a walk in the country, a pamper day. Yes I like that one - invite those girlies in your life who know what you've been through and tell them why you are having the pamper night. You don't need to be there to serve everyone, ask your pals to do that for you!! You just be there and wait for your pamper. Your mates can serve you the nibbles and some drinks.
LIFE IS ABOUT THRIVING, NOT JUST SURVIVING!!!
Take a look at our Retreat, click on the link below and check us out. I would love to meet you because I know that myself and my team can help.
DON'T GIVE UP!!!